The Fight of My Life

Standing in the middle of the boxing ring..mouth guard in, hands taped, gloves on, oh and it’s pitch black. I’m blindfolded. I can feel the presence of someone or something. Every step forward or back only brings uncertainty. Should I run? I can’t see. What if I stumble? What if I’m pinned against the ropes? There is no time to go over scenarios in my mind.  The air is displaced as who or what moves closer and steps back. The fear is paralyzing.  I hear the swing of a gloved fist, as I move left my jaw is met with a direct blow. I can taste the blood in my mouth.  I put myself here. I stepped into the ring. I placed the blindfold on years ago. Bloodied, battered, bruised but never broken. I may not be declared the winner but I will survive.. head held high and better for it.

Hurricane

I am standing in the eye of the storm. I’ve been here for so long that I feel a false sense of security in the stillness. The hurricane of my circumstances rage all around me but it’s quiet in the eye.  If I don’t reach out too far for help or to try and navigate the pain stinging truths I can simply pretend there is no storm.  I can see a faint light beyond the black swirling torrents. I imagine it’s a place I’d want to be maybe it’s hope maybe a mirage. The place where I hide is getting uncomfortably small. Just standing tall allows the chaos to tear me away from this perceived safety.  I’m screaming but the hurricane is so deafening I’m sure no one can hear my plea to let the storm subside. I have to let go of the fear that immobilizes me and allow myself to weather this. I just wish I knew how.

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Tight Rope Walker

I keep telling myself to just put one foot in front of the other. The high wire is no place for the faint of heart. Here I am, not looking down nor back but head held high looking forward..forward in direction, in intention, in spirit. Never closing my eyes in fear as that would surely cause me to lose my balance and fall. There is no safety net subsequently the height is dizzying. Forward focused, slow measured calculated steps. I’m just a few feet off the perch where I started. It seems like an unending journey to the other side. I will get there, and every single breath is a victory.

On The High Dive

Is it wrong to fear success? I am standing on the precipice of amazing and terrifying things. All at once I’m giddy with the hope and promise of success in doing what I love to do and leaping into a whole new world away from the comfort and perceived stability of a relationship I thought would sustain me. I am terrified. It’s like watching everyone line up for the high dive, climbing the ladder and realizing you’re all alone on that board. Twelve seasoned kids rolling their eyes while you contemplate the jump or dive. It feels so much more dangerous than it looked from the pool deck. It’s silent, the air feels cooler, the board more unstable. You can only feel the prickly texture of the board and how it quivers and flexes under your feet,the goosebumps on your skin and the sound of your heat beating out of your chest. You know you need to do it and wish someone would just shove you off. No luck, this is the juxtapose, you have to do this, on your own, no one can push you, the choice is yours and you’ve made it, you cannot back down off of the ladder, you won’t back down off the ladder. Will you feel liberated, maybe. Will you be praised, probably not. “Change is hard”, said without a thought so many times. Change isn’t always good, but it is necessary and inevitable. To grow we have to accept change. Wish me luck as I jump off of the high dive and into an unknown future. 

Lee

Acute Heroin intoxication. Those are the indelibly written words on
 my brother Lee Burton's death certificate and on my heart.  One year 
ago today marks the end of his horrible ugly addiction. What it doesn't 
mark is the continued sadness and guilt felt by those left behind. Those
 including myself who turned a blind eye to the symptoms and behaviors 
that were slapping me in the face daily. It took me 9 months to order 
his death certificate with cause of death included. My mother cannot 
enter the apartment attached to her home where she found him. Don't be 
mistaken my brother was a wonderful, loving, caring person who on many 
levels I still admire.Heroin however doesn't care who you are, how 
bright talented and amazing you might be. It can be injected into any 
socioeconomic class. You could say it doesn't discriminate.  Ultimately 
my brother made his own choices but when this black grim reaper gets a 
choke hold on you it chokes your ability to make rational decisions for 
yourself. This is where the guilt has it's staring role. When Lee was in
 its grip I was so incredibly angry at the mess that was his life I 
couldn't see that he was unable to cry for help. This monster literally 
choked the life out of him.  No longer angry I feel so cheated by this 
easy readily available vixen of a drug. I'm not writing to stand on a 
soap box and point fingers at anyone else I'm doing quite the opposite. 
Today I'm pointing the finger at myself for not being brave enough to 
fight for my brothers life. I'm also writing to declare my sense of loss
 for Lee and my love for him. He always stood up for me even if I knew I
 was wrong. He loved unconditionally. 
He didn't judge, anyone ever. I see him in every butterfly. Amazing, 
strong and fragile at the same time.

This New Year

On this New Year's Eve I am unexpectedly giddy with the promise of the year to come.  I find myself pushing past the intense heartache and pain that permeated  2014. and feeling an overwhelming rush of hope and love.  It is an almost perfect parallel to the feelings that have not faded  from  26 years ago.  I gave birth to my oldest daughter Katie just past midnight on New Years morning. The fear and pain...the unknown...the weighty reality of responsibility beyond anything I had ever felt, melted into inexplicable joy the moment she was laid in my arms.  I have dreams and plans for this new year that mirror those I had for that precious little baby.  I know I will have to crawl before I walk. That I will stumble and fall.  I also am certain that I will surpass my own expectations.  There will be more laughter than tears more celebrations than grief.  As this year comes to a close and I mean close in a very literal sense. I am thrilled  to step over that imaginary threshold of the past and fully embrace the possibilities this new year holds. Won't you take my hand and come with me? Think of all the extraordinary memories we will make..Happy Joyous New Year to all of my family and friends.  God has a great adventure planned for us! 

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What I Realize is Important

Three months earlier............

Tonight’s been rough.  I have been alone for two days…I haven’t been alone really since before my dad died.  I didn’t realize how dependent on others I am.  More than that, I realize that even when I am with others, I am alone in my grief.  Not to say I don’t value my friends and families well wishes, company and comfort.  I am realizing this is an experience I have to go through alone. I have to own it.  I will need the shoulders, sweet words and understanding of many, but my experience is unique and I have to fight through it.  I grieve the love I didn’t have with my brother…I mourn the memories my dad didn’t have of my girls. I am desperately afraid my children will have to endure the loss of a sibling…they are so intricately tied to one another.  If I am suffering so deeply how will they feel at the loss of one another.  My head is swimming with tears and regret.  I am so grateful for my family and close friends,  but mostly my children.  Their relationships are so normal and beautiful unlike my own.  I pray they all grow very, very old together enjoying one another and all of their children and grand children.

When I hear them talk to each other, giggle, and give advise.  I know that God had a plan for me.  I’m not saying that I’m a martyr or that my sad situation with my own siblings was a horrible fairytale out of the Brother’s Grimm, what I am saying is that despite my circumstances there is light and hope and joy.  I have been able to, partly with God’s grace, and with the experience and help of two amazing women, my mother and my mother in law, raise three incredibly bright, sweet compassionate girls who individually are amazing but together as sisters are unstoppable human beings.  Everything that I wished I had in a relationship with my own siblings they have in spades.  I’m not sure if this was completely by design or if I just worked harder to correct my own broken relationships in them.  No matter.  As I struggle with a kind of grief I don’t wish upon anyone, I take great comfort in the simple joy of three sisters who genuinely love each other and are willing to fight for their relationships as family.  I know I will get through this.  I will feel alone among many.  I will question my relationships and wonder if there was anything I could have said or done..I will never regret my experience, my childhood, my family dynamic.  This is all a part of who I am.  Funny, ugly, fierce and dysfunctional.