Moments of Clarity
Our
individual realities are always shaped and formed by our varying circumstances
and life experiences. My sister had a
profound effect on mine.
Growing up
with an undiagnosed bipolar sibling was at the very least unpredictably terrifying. Living with the reality that my parents were
in total denial was devastating.
From my
earliest memory Susie emotionally hijacked our family. I was sure the phrase “walking on egg shells”
was coined expressly for us. Susie was
and still is one of the most intelligent, beautiful and funny people I
know. Her ability to turn a bad
situation into something glorious was only predicated by her unpredictable,
wildly aggressive temper. One moment you
were lured into laughing, smiling and letting your guard down. Like a snake charmer she could will you to
get comfortable, tell her your innermost secrets, ask you how you really felt
about something personal and then SNAP!
It was an actual physical transformation. Like a contortionist she took shape into
another person. Ugly, angry and
venomous, she would strike out. Using
words and expletives beyond description she would verbally assault. Physically her 5’3” 100lb stature changed
into a hulk-like creature capable of taking down people 3 times her size.
The
undeniable fact that my sister suffers from a debilitating mental illness is
not lost on me. Her outbursts unprovoked
and nonsensical were horrifying as a child yet my love for her always
outweighed her episodes. I wanted so badly for her to
be the
sister everyone else had. The one who
braided their hair, took them to the mall, helped them with boy problems. I had glimpse of that sister. She had moments of clarity.
She was
fiercely loyal. The one saying our
family used still holds true. “You
definitely want her on your side and not against you”.
Susie is the
middle child. A lot of her behaviors
were written off to “being the middle child”.
I was so convinced that this was a viable reason that I was very
concerned when I became pregnant for the third time that my middle daughter
would be doomed to exhibit the same traits as my sister.
My brother,
Lee, the oldest was usually the target for the more physical attacks. He was under strict orders to NEVER hit a
girl. He was relegated to hitting the
walls or doors in the hallway. When we
sold our home we spent an unusually large amount of money patching the
drywall. My clever mother mod-podged
flowers cut out from existing wallpaper scraps on the holes in closet doors.
Susie was
great at psychological warfare. She knew
my brother hated peanut butter so everything she baked for home economics had peanut
butter in it. She didn’t eat any of her
creations but she enjoyed torturing Lee by ruining any chance he had for eating
yummy desserts. Things would take “a
turn for the worse” when Lee would ask her why she did that. The result was usually a battle of words followed by punching and hitting, by my sister. For me, it was the allure of “The Twilight
Zone”. It was a super scary TV show that
was on Friday nights past my bedtime.
When my parents were out and Susie was babysitting me she would
encourage me to watch the show promising a happy outcome. The happy outcome never happened and Susie
would then shut off the lights and chase me around in the dark. Locking me in the hall closet was always an
option too.
I'm not sure when or how the power shift happened from parent to child.
I can hope and dream that somehow there's a special reason she's like this. Maybe Motzart was like this. Maybe her brilliance cannot be understood or processed by me. "Let go and let God" is given a whole new meaning when it comes to my sister. It's so hard to stand by and watch someone seemingly unravel before your eyes and know there is not a thing you can do about it. She won't allow it. I just wait for the moments of clarity.
Bethanne,
ReplyDeleteYou probably do not remember me, but I was your sister's best friend growing up. I lived across the street from you (and you were a pesky little sister...as was I to my sister). I had always wondered what became of your family when you moved. I happened upon you in the FB Hohokam page. Your post explains a lot about Susie and our relationship growing up ;-). We didn't part friends unfortunately. You are right, one minute she was fun and happy; and the next she was fighting with me. I didn't understand it an we just grew apart. However, most of my happiest memories are with your sister and our growing up together. I'm so glad she has been diagonosed and is (hopefully) taking something to help her. I had heard your mom and dad split, that made me sad. Your family was a big part of my life and I'm so happy to see you grown up with your beautiful girls and loving husband. You sound like you have a wonderful, faith-filled handle on life and what is important. Nice to see you and many blessings.
Tina Sheppard (nee Lindenbauer)